This is probably the most difficult post i have to write.
The project I anticipated turned out to be not anything like I had envisioned. All I want to do is bang my head against a wall, over and over again. India is a very testing country.
There are 15 girls, ages 5yrs to 11yrs and then one 15yrold. They are so sweet and loving and want to do everything for you. The nun is a remarkable soul and you can just feel her genunity and dedication to the girls and the orphan home. The home sits on a lush land of maybe 2 acres or so, fruit trees and plants exist everywhere. That means alot of bugs. There is also an ashram on site where the prayers go on 2 hrs in the morning and 2 hrs at night. The program specifically said things like take girls to the zoo, help girls with homework, hygene, etc....that type of thing. The portraits were an additional 'to-do' on our list.
You know that saying "no man's land?" Faridabad is that place. Take kids to zoo? Where the hell is the zoo? The whole village is a zoo if you ask me. Everything the program said was false advertising in my opinion. And......in all of india: if you ask anyone anything, no one knows a damn thing. No one. There is no answer to your questions from anybody that is breathing. I need to learn how to say "i don't know" in hindi so i fit in. To add to the dilema, no one at the orphan home speaks a lick of english. Not the nun, not the girls. Oh except for one girl who I barely see. The hindi classes i took at the apartment last week didn't stick in my head maybe because all the sweat washed it away.
The girls go to school at 7:30 and come back at 3pm. Then they go to afternoon school from 4pm-5pm. Then prayer starts at 6:30 and ends at 8:15. Dinner at 8:30. There is no time with the girls except for an hour or so a couple of times during the day. They are busy with homework and with each other. They are not neglected, actually very very happy thank God. They have each other and call each other sisters. Do not feel sorry for them, honestly they are in such great hands at the ashram and with the nun. They are blessed as well as precious blessings themselves. I wish I knew they're stories. I cant talk to anyone to find out because of the language barrier. We volunteer girls (me, hannah, and birta) sit in our room most of the day doing squat by ourselves. We a ren't allowed to participate in helping, for respect's sake. Yeah.
I came down the other day to see a 3yr old boy and a baby laying on the tile in front of the ashram. I was told they were the laboror's kids who are working on the rooftop. So for the next 4 hours, this toddler was taking care of his half naked brother who obviously hasn't been bathed in some time. The toddler has an unconditional love for his baby brother and both of them don't cry or talk or do anything. The toddler puts down his brother on the tile because he's tired of holding him and the baby just sits there with no diaper on, no pants, just wearing a dirty little girls shirt actually. He's not clean and flies swarm around him but both of them are craving our attention. Us girls cant get over this and I take the baby off the tile and just hold him. He breaks me.
WE are playing duck duck goose with the girls. The toddler watches and smiles while holding his brother.
His mom, who is no more than 22 yrs old, is watching from the rooftop and comes down. She motions me to take the toddler. I look at my friend Hanna and say 'where on earth should i take him, the store?" She says 'NO, she wants you to take him home...probably knows he'd have a better life." I break down again. The next couple of days she keeps doing this to me and actually hands the baby over to me. I decline. I cant hold him again. You would think she was offering tea or coffee to me. I want to hit her. Why would you just give your kids away? You might be poor, but there is water for free in this ashram. Bathe your kids. I havent seen them eat, except a cracker given to them by one of the nuns. No water, no milk. So so so sad. The boy loves the camera and follows me around literally everywhere carrying his brother. Nicer pictures will be posted from my 5d when i get home. The father works on the rooftop too and when he came down to get something, he never ackowleged the kids or looked at them or did anything. They are both under 3. This is bazarre to me.
Here's another dilemma: the bathroom is a house to spiders and our room is infested with bugs at night. INFESTED. Little roaches and bugs of every kind possible raid the room. There is at least 500-600 bugs in the room if I could guesstimate. We duct taped a mosquito tent on the window, another tent on another window, I'm sharing a canopy short mosquito tent with hanna, and birta sleeps in her own. I sleep with pants on and a shirt wrapped in my sleeping bag. The fabric of the mosquito tent drapes over my face and I feel critters crawling all night in the humid heat. Everytime i feel something, i turn on the flashlight to find loads of bugs inside the tent and some on the material draped over my face. I. AM. GOING. INSANE. Its 90 degrees in the tent and I have no where to go. I don't sleep at all. Theyre on my pillow, in my everywhere. In the morning, I call Mike unsure of what to do and break down. He advises to get out. The other girls are 19 and 21 and I feel like at 33 too old to deal with this madness. I would tolerate more 10 yrs ago maybe. I killed most of the spiders in the bathroom which is located outside the room, but the first night the lights went off while taking a shower amongst the spiders proved to be another turning point for me....
I got out of the orphan home. I couldnt do it. I'm not strong enough to deal with all the issues in this country at this time.
To visit India is a must for everyone. It will have you laughing like a kid once you see all the colors, taste the delicious food and embrace the culture.
But it will break you into tiny little pieces and rip your heart out at the same time and make you appreciate the lifestyle you live.
___________________________________________
birte and hanna with rep's daughter in faridabad
the ashram
hanna snapped this of me taking pix of the girls
baby
This is the next days picture i took of the boys except mom put shorts on the baby this time. The toddler is wearing the same shirt as the previous day which i'm sure he slept in too.
24 comments:
Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way." - unknown
And that my friend is what you are doing. Regardless - you are still an encouragement to family friends and strangers. You are a brave one Ruby - I don't know anyone that would be doing what you are doing right now all by herself.
My heart goes out to you for what you've seen - I can not say "I understand" cause I don't - I couldn't fathom the things you seen and have lived in.
Safety is above all else... you have an intuition and you're following it perfectly. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue your journey/adventure. //enoch
Hang in there Ruby and be brave! Maybe God is trying to show you a new path. My prayers are with you.
Ruby,
There are many ways I admire you. Now more than ever, I admire your patience and courage to do what you are doing. You have always had high expectations of yourself and your surroundings, so I can imagine that seeing the neglect and poverty is breaking your heart and boggling your mind.
I know you had other plans---but you're in India! It is mystical in and of itself---enjoy what you can and take photos and eat and be merry...This trip was not meant to be a vacation, but there's still time to enjoy it.
I love you and cannot wait for your next post. You should seriously be a travel writer.
-Rena
That just breaks my heart about those babies. How can a mother just give the baby up? Unbelievable. You are so strong for doing what you've done. You didn't give up. Life is a crazy thing, and we forget sometimes what other countries endure on a daily basis. Hang in there. Your stories are great, good or bad.
Ruby, you are my rock...(Ruby Rock:) in every sense of the word.
Please my dear be safe first, take care of yourself and count all your blessings every single second including seeing and living the India life and miserable but humble life style with all the bugs, roaches and humidity. Life is harsh and testing, it is full of challenges, but the Divine power wanted to test you and see how far you can take it. Yes, you are strong and took some and rejected some as any human nature would do , but the main thing is:
YOU HEART IS ALL IN IT AND IS UPSET BECAUSE YOUR MISSION IS NOT AS ACCOMPLISHED as you wished it to be. However, you are trying, you are there and your target and hope was to do it. In God's eyes, you tried.
Baby I love you so much, proud of you and what you are trying to achieve besides all achievements you already reached. I love you and proud of you. Just pray and enjoy the moment, and remember how lucky to have a family around you to share whatever you experience in life instead of these poor kids who are facing life with nothing and noone. Uhhhhhh. It is so sad.
JUST make sure that you are safe wherever you go, and be attentive to your surroundings and who is watching you. Your camera and stuff is full of personal info, make sure you are careful.
Love you and miss you
Ruby - Please know that you absolutely did not fail by leaving that orphanage. This trip is suppose to be about living your dream...travel. You are learning that travel isn't always about cafes, structures, and beautiful terrain. Travel includes people, customs, barriers, poverty, even foreign bugs. You are learning where your own barriers lie. And that doesn't include infested orphanages!!! You are growing every step of the way. There are no failures. This is about the stories you will tell, the places you will see, and the environments you will witness. You are your own travel consultant...and where you go is completely up to YOU!!!!!!! Love you, Renee
Ruby, you are trying and that is all you can do. When I was there I stayed with a well to do family and I was amazed to learn (through observation) that they didn't even see or register that the poor unfortunates that you are telling us about existed. They ignored them completely. India is certainly a different world and banging your head against thousands of years of culture will only hurt your head.
As for the mother trying to give you her baby... What mother wouldn't want the best for her baby? Unless people have been there and seen what you have seen they will not get it, no matter how hard you try to explain... I've been there and still sake my head when I think of it.
I heard a speaker (may have been a US senator) once say that the potential of a country is relative to the divide between the poor and the rich in that country... All I can say is that India has awesome potential if you use that logic.
Enjoy your trip, do what you can for the children and make people aware. That's all you can do...
God bless you ruby for all that you do.
MY DEAR D.I.L.,YOU ARE ONE TUFF KOOKIE SO I KNOW YOU WON'T CRUMBLE WITH ALL YOU ARE EXPERIENCING IN INDIA. STAY SAFE & REMEMBER,"TUFF TIMES DON'T LAST,BUT TUFF PEOPLE DO". I LOVE YOU & CAN'T WAIT TILL YOUR HOME SAFE.
MAMA T [M.I.L.]
Ruby--
Everyone has said everything I could say. BUT-- know this: I admire your courage! Remember the night the TV went off and we were suddenly in the dark? You grabbed on to me for dear life and I had to feel the wall for the light switch to save us from the darkness! If I were there, I would switch on the "lights" for you....
Please continue to be brave! With your permission, I would like to use this journal in my class. My students need to learn about the world through YOUR eyes.
Be safe!
Love you,
C
Ruby, hugs!! I totally admire you! WHile something like what you are doing is what I have always wanted to do, to feel like I could make a difference for just a bit, to experience another country to know how good I have it, I know I likely wouldn't be able to do it on my own without a familiar face.
Oh my and the bugs, yep I think we are similar with that although I would have gone nutso sooner probably.
Love you, stay safe!
You wanted to make a difference Ruby, and whilst you may not be aware of it, reading all of the comments here from the many who read your blog and don't comment, it is important you be aware that as your Mum so eloquently added, you are a rock, and have accomplished much for all of your readers. More than you might be aware of. What difference have you made to the little boy who follows you around, or to all of us? A significant one I assure you.
I just wish you had the chance to get out of the place where you are and see more of india, where the maharajas lived and the wider country and wider experience.
You and your safety is in my prayers and thoughts. God bless you Ruby.
Ruby -
Words cannot describe the miracle of "you". I am so very proud of you and am completely overwhelmed with emotions when I read your blog. Those two little souls need someone to squeeze them, bath them, read to them, and most of all, LOVE them. Take them home! I love you and all of the people there as well. God will work miracles through your hands and your lense.
Namaste! Love and Light!
(Now I am going to go and kiss my girls until they push me away!)
Gosh Ruby... just hugs from me. I can't begin to imagine!
Wow, I'm just astonished. So heartbreaking, yet you are such a strong person, even if you don't feel that way-- many could not be where you are right now.
Safe travels.
Ruby my dear....I love you. You have a gift and talent. Your job there is not complete.
Love you lots!
Ruby...I'm so sorry that your experience has been so difficult. Hang in there. I think you're a trooper to hang in there as long as you have...the spiders, while I'm the "spider-getter" in my house, would have sent me packing!
Hugs...travel safe!!!
Joy
Oh, Ruby, I can completely understand what you're saying. I have been to India as well, and I can totally relate to how you were feeling. I have a background in international development, and it still got to me. It is a real eye-opener. Best wishes for the rest of your trip. Despite all the tears and heartache, you will look back at this and be glad you did it.
Oh, Ruby... Everyone has said so much already and I hope you are encouraged. I appreciate so much that you are sharing your experiences with us-the good, the bad and the ugly.
I would remind you only that you are there for a great purpose, whether you ever know what it is or not. To have those children put in your path... who knows? I can remember being a young kid with my little brother, and my mom could barely take care of us. A smile from a stranger could move mountains, I swear. There have been countless "angels" that crossed our path that took care of me in some small way or another and I have never forgotten them, regardless of how small their actions may have seemed to them. I'm just saying that you never know how you will impact the people you touch. Just keep on being you and trust that you are making a difference.
And I'm pretty sure that you should outta spend some time in that ashram, just with yourself and your thoughts and your God. :) Elizabeth Gilbert would be proud. LOL!
Keep on truckin', sista! I love you, dearly.
Georgia
WOW! think on these things! don't let the life style of the Indian people steel your joy. Remember that you went over there to be a blessing. I know it is difficult or nearly impossible to think that you are helping those people. "Refect" Take the time to read your own blog. I think it will help put your purpose into perspective. Just you taking the time to go over and be with those people is rewarding to whom ever you meet. Think about the smile that you put on the toddlers face. It sounds like you are trying to take the blessing that God has blesse dyou with and make sense out of what you are wittnessing that those beautiful people are faced with everyday. Just be YOURSELF! You are making a differance in all people that you meet. I am not saying taht you are going to change the way of life for those people, but you can and are adding joy to their lives. It may not seem that way in the middle of all of the adversaries you are faced with but keep in mind, you are there for a reason. Find and know that purpose. Don't let the devil steel your JOY. I don't know you personally, but reading about you, you seem to be a good person at heart. Share your heart that God has blessed you with. Don't let the situations that you see cause you to loose your purpose for being where you are. Remember that things happen for a reason. Keep your smile:) You are not that old. I knoe that you don't have a magic wand that you can wave and make all things better, but you do have the God given gift of YOU! You said that the little boy loves for you to take his picture, so take his picture. It is the little things that we (Americans) take for granted. Mybe the Lord had you to take a trip to India not only to help the Indians, but to help your blogging friends and those that you bring your stories back home to.
So realize why you went to India in the first place and rise to the ocassion. Turn that frown up side down and click away. You are a blessing to those people, a little RAY of SUN(SON) shine in the midst of a dark day. Remeber even to those people that most have never seen a picture of themselves, all they care about is the fact that someone CARES and shows them some "LOVE". "A MOMENT IN TIME"
Hey Ruby,
While reading your story I had a little smile on my face. Not because I am (sadistically) relishing the incredible discomfort and sadness you are going through but because I am remembering my own journey through India. Bugs?! Oh yeah! Incredible poverty? OMG! Beauty? Just priceless.
One thing I can tell you from this side of such a harrowing experience is that this will be one of the most profound (if not THE most profound) things you will ever experience in life. It was for me. I spent over a month traveling all over India. Talk about "culture shock." One never thoroughly understands that term until they go to India. It's safe to say, this journey will change you forever.
I hope you are able to see some of the historic sites such as the Taj and the Red Fort in Agra.
Kashmir was probably the most memorable part of the journey for me and, hopefully, a much better experience for you. Seeing the Himalayan foothills is breath-taking.
In Kashmir I stayed in Srinigar on the Dal Lake in a houseboat (if you could call it that) and took a 3 day trek by horse to Ladakh, Tibet. The the monasteries are astounding. It was definitely "roughing it" but being in a cooler climate and not dealing with so many bugs was a major relief.
Whatever you do, DO NOT eat the yogurt or drink lassi (kind of a yogurt slurry). I got "Delhi-belly" and it messed me up for YEARS afterwards. Yeah, I said "years!" My stomach was never quite right after that trip (and I was a vegetarian then too).
Most of what I ate was wonderful although I am not a big fan of so much chili powder in EVERYTHING (like the salt & pepper shakers!). Still, having endured the whole experience, I can look back now and say it was one of the most deeply moving and self-defining things I have ever done.
I applaud your courage and strength to go through this and I know it is going to make you "rich" beyond imagination by giving you a greater appreciation of your own blessings in life.
Stay strong, persevere, and remember; when something challenging crosses your path, this too shall pass.
Take LOTS of pictures!
Warmest regards,
Rocky
Ruby,
I want to be there with you. Its got to be a thousand times harder just being there without truly knowing anyone. I miss you so much and am thinking of you all the time. Know that this will make you stronger. But wow, what an experience. I am with you in spirit, and I'm behind all that you choose to do. Be safe and come home soon,
C
ruby...i read this post after your more recent post. i'm so happy to hear things are looking up. WOW. i am in tears. i am in tears because of your story. i am in tears because i have been in your situation...i volunteered my time in a chinese orphanage when we lived in china. i am in tears because it's NOT fair little children have to live like that.
rudy, you have me crying from reading this. i am so thankful to have found someone else who has experienced this - no one i talk to hear can understand. they pretend, but they can't get their heads around what i'm trying to say. i'm sure i would have been the same way.
i definitely agree that it is necessary for everyone to go to India once in their lifetime. i know it has changed me. and i can see that is has changed you.
you are right about laughing in glee at the vibrant colors, the amazing food... and crying from being broken into tiny bits. i couldn't have said it better.
it's too bad we live all the way across the country from each other -i feel we could be good friends!! :)
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